I wish we met earlier
It was 12/6. when my friend has birthday and organized birthday party. She living in different town, 3 hours of travel time with car. I am not social person so I dont expected she will invite me, but she did. She invited my 3 friends too, so I told to myself, why not and we decide to arrive. I thought it will be normal small party with friends, people I know and with 4 people which I never met. Talk with people, get drunk or rather in reverse order. What could go wrong? Overthinking and planning in car how smooth that party will go and I will survive it, but I didnt planned or thought that party will completely change my life. That day was first day when I met her.
We arrived due to issue on road almost 2 hours later than we should, but we are finally there. Birthday girl, familiar faces and strangers waited for us before the house. Oh jesus so many people I told to myself and started to feel uncomfortable. When we got out of the car they came closer and start hug my friends. When I saw that, I wanted to run away. I am not hugging type of person, so I stayed away from them but that didn't help to me. Some girl came to me and I had no idea who is that so I wanted to introduce myself but before I said something I saw she want me to a hug so I started make a few steps back. ,, Hi Athrek! " she said and in that moment I knew who is that and stopped make steps back. She hugged me and asked what I am doing. I didn't see her for half year and also she had more makeup than usual so yeah it was really awkward and we are here just a few minutes. I told her I didn't recognise her and she smirked. People went inside and me with my friends picked up stuff from car and followed birthday girl inside. We went upstairs where she show us where we will sleep. My friends went downstairs to join others. Me and birthday girl stayed in that room, I had feeling is the good time to congratulation and gift so no need to do that later before everyone and embarrass myself again somehow.
Unfortunately we went downstairs to join others as well. There was big room with only large table, chairs and birthday decoration and full of people of course. I strategically chose a chair on the corner of the table and next to me sits friends, it was really great place to be. Everyone found a place to sit and it was time for a toast. After toast followed congratulation and gifts how "unexpected". Good is, I already had opportunity for this so now can only watch. Last one who congratulated was a girl. Dirty blonde hair, blue shining eyes, wearing black dress, she was really beautiful and when she spoke that nice and kind voice. I was impressed and wanted to know her better. That's not good idea. I should but shouldn't, I started have doubts, girl like she cant like someone like me, what I'm saying?? I will not start to talk with her anyway. She was sitting in the other corner of the table and I couldn't avert my eyes from her. She looked at me as well and we make eye contact, but she immediately looked away and smiled, that happened a few times. I needed go to toilet so I went. When I headed back I met her on the stair. ,, Hi! I am Sailant " she said. ,, Hi, I am Athrek nice to meet you " I responded her. We started to talk a lot with each other about basic stuff ,, I am sorry but I need to go to toilet, see you downstairs " she told to me so I let her go. When she came back, came to me and we continued in our talk. It was really late and she wanted to go home, so I went with her. Before her house we just hugged and say goodbye. Suddenly hugging was not that bad. I came back to party and after a while we went sleep. I couldn't get her out of my mind, her voice, blue eyes I couldn't stop thinking about her, I didn't sleep at all.
Next morning I found her on social media and start conversation. We wrote to each other daily and we get to know better each other. We even started to play travian together with some of her friends, yet there was some mystery about her. During time of weeks I a few times visit my friend and in same time go out with Sailant. We became really good friends and that is what I was afraid. I have feelings for her, should I take that risk and tell her? What if I ruin it all and we lose our friendship because of it. My friend again organized party another weekend and invite me and my friends once again.
We are on party, we drinking, talking and Sailant ask me for dance, so we go dance even when I have no idea how to. I was nervous and thought it is good opportunity to get it out of me so I told her what I feel. I looked into her blue eyes: ,, I need to tell you something " I said to her and she stopped me: ,, I know what you want to say. I am sorry but I need to go " she told me with tears in her eyes and disappeared. I tried to catch her but she was gone. I left party too and go for walk in dark on street. My mind was full of thoughts overthinking about that. What have I done, I ruined it all. I lost track of time, I didn't concentrate where I was going and suddenly I was out of city. Before me was small hill lying under moon so I climb on it. On the hill in dark I saw someone sitting there, when I was closer I find out it is her, her face was covered by tears. I kind of thought she want to be alone so I only told her I didnt mean to hurt her. I slowly turned back and went but she said I didn't hurt her, she just doesnt want to hurt me. ,, I heard about your past. I know how depressed you felt, how dead inside you was, voices in your head, suicidal thoughts on your mind you was broken same as I am now " she told to me and I was only more and more confused. ,, It's already gone and I can help you to get through it, you just need to let me " I said in a frightened voice. ,, No you can't " she said and started more cry: ,, I am dying, I have 11 months of live. " There were no right words to say. I touched her cheek and say: ,, Nobody says it will be easy, but I want to be with you, I want to be here for you, but I also understand if you don't want to. "
Even we have not enough time to be together, we ended up together. That night on the hill under moon and sky full of stars we gave our first kiss. Due to distance we could see each other only during weekends but one day I had day off at friday so I wanted to surprise her one day earlier. I bought flower and her favourite lollipop. When I knocked on her door some guy open them but he was almost naked. He had only shorts on him. ,, Hi I am Efe " he said. That moment it hurt that. Hate and anger in my head, sadness and feel of betrayal in my heart, I was speechless. Sailant showed up and was surprised ,, What are you doing th...? " she doesn't finished sentence and saw there is something wrong with me. ,, Oh my god, I know how it might looks like but it is not like that. Efe is my friend and he is a gay. And he was naked because he want to suprise his boyfriend Gubbi with costume. Come in " she said with smile on her face. I realized he is that Efe which playing travian with us. I know he is gay. How I could be so stupid. I came in and Efe just dressed his costume ,, Shrek's costume looks really nice! " I said to Efe and he thanked me.
Time pass and we plan to go me, Sailant with Efe and Gubbi on double date. It is first day when I will meet Gubbi. ,, Nice to meet you Athrek ! Do you know Athrek name is almost same as a Shrek? " say Gubbi to me. ,, Nice to meet you too Gubbi ! I know it is coincidence. I heard you like Shrek a lot " I said back to him. We go on dinner to restaurant with beautiful view on city. We order pineapple pizza which is Efe's favourite, when Sailant suddenly lost consciousness, we do not hesitate and immediately call an ambulance. I needed to take days off at work so I could visit Sailant every day in hospital. Today is friday, her condition is still bad. I again will go to visit her but have bad feeling about it. Nurse told me she will not get any better and I should say last goodbye.
I came to Sailant and hold her hand, she looks exhausted and as someone without will to live anymore. ,, I know it will end soon. I want to thank you, you have been here for me like no one before. You showed me love, happiness, feelings which I thought I don't deserve. I want to apologize I don't want to hurt you, but I have no strength to fight anymore. " she said in a tired voice. ,, Please don't talk like that. You have still enough time. I want to thank you too, you was my light in the dark, you was my path on my journey. I wish we met earlier so we could had more time " I tell to her with tears in my eyes. She squeeze my hand and last teardrops drop on her cheek before she close her eyes for good. That pain made my heart to be broken. I was dead inside, my heart stops beating and I thinking what I could have done better.
Now I sitting next to you and have tears in eyes, you asking me what happened but I can't tell that. Even when we have still a lot of time before us, it is not enough and I still overthinking how it will be when that time come. One life is not enough with you and I would like to be with you always and forever. Efe once told me " don't let yourself haunted by past, don't be scared of unknown future, live in presence because that what matter most " so here I am, looking on you how you reading our story. You are finishing the last sentences and I meanwhile kneel before you and waiting till you look me in the eyes so I can ask you. Would you marry me Sailant?
,, Yes I will! " she said. We become engaged couple and I was in that moment the most happy person in the world. For our wedding we invited our friends, also our mates from travian. Even Sailant's brother Ralakesh arrived from Finland on our wedding. We had beautiful ceremony with sunset on hill where we first kissed. Gubbi was Sailant's bridesmaid and Efe was mine witness. The wedding started with civil celebrant's words: ,, We are gathered here today to witness of Athrek's and Sailant's wedding. Do you Athrek take this lovely woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? " ,, I do. " ,, Do you Sailant take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? ",, I do." ,, Sailant and Athrek prepared their own vows. " said civil celebrant. I was so nervous. I am not used to speak on public, but I had to. I looked in her blue shining eyes which inspire me and said: ,, When I first met you, I thought you can't never like someone like me. Day by day I fell madly in love to you and here on this hill when we kissed I knew, you are the right girl and I want to spend rest of my life with you, so I promise to be with you and love you forever. " She had the sweetest smile what I ever seen and she with kind voice respond: ,, I remember how I first met you. Cute, shy guy which arrived on party. When you looked into my eyes I knew who you are. Guy with dark past but with pure heart. When you first wanted to tell me you love me, I didn't thought I deserve your love so I rejected you and left, but you found me and saw light in me, when all I saw was darkness. You saved me with your love and I will always remember that. " Ralakesh held rings and his time come to pass them to groom and bride. I took the ring and put it on Sailant's finger with words: ,, With this ring, I wed you and pledge you my love, now and forever. " Sailant took the ring and put it on my finger with words: ,, With this ring, I wed you and pledge you my love, now and forever. "
A few days after wedding Sailant came to me with tears in her eyes. ,, I am pregnant " she said and those tears was not tears of joy but tears of sadness. We both knew Sailant is supposed to die soon and now she will die with our child. ,, I am afraid Athrek, I don't want to die with ours not born child " Sailant told to me and her hands started shaking. I hug her and told to her everything will be ok even when I know it will not.
Sailant was in hospital for observation for many days. Doctor told me there is something wrong, it seemed like illness stopped spreading and the child keeping her alive. ,, So it mean after born of child my wife will die? " I asked doctor. ,, Unfortunately yes I am so sorry. Your wife will die but child will live " answered doctor. I had no heart to tell her, but she already knew that. ,, Its ok my love I am supposed to die, there is nothing we could change about it, I am thankful for extra time what we got and could spent together. Please promise me you will take care about Jeik. " Sailant told to me, ,, Jeik? I see you already chose name. I promise to you I will take care about Jeik! And yet I am not ready to let you go. " I told to her and she grabbed my hand for last time and said: ,, One day in different life we will meet once again. " Jeik was born and Sailant unfortunately after childbirth died.
My wife was buried on same hill where we married. I was not on her funeral, I just couldn't to say goodbye. When she said her last goodbye in hospital, I died inside by her side. I didnt care what others people may think about that, I just wanted to be alone with my son. Meanwhile on funeral Efe saw Wild. ,, What the hell he doing here?! " he said. ,, Who is that? " asked Gubbi ,, It is Wild, he was possessed by Sailant. He harassed her, once when she was drunk and went home from party, he tried to rape her but luckily I was near and heard her scream. There was no proof so Wild end up not punished. But it is well know for him he is rapist. Unfortunately girls not talking about it so there is never proof against him. I hope one day justice will catch him " answered Efe. A few days after funeral I decided to visit her. On her tombstone is written: " Here lies Sailant beloved mother, wife and friend. Rest in peace. " I lit candles and wished it's me and not her. Next years were hard, everything seems hopeless and empty without her.
When Jeik reached 3 years he went to kindergarten. He was so happy when he was there for first time and everything seems normal but during next years it was all up and down and everything started falling apart. Depression with alcohol problems hit me hard and I didn't have it under control. People couldn't believe what I'd become, Jeik was bullied by Tarek and I knew that yet I did nothing. " You are not good enough, you are not good enough " repeat in my head. I was down on my knees, pointing gun on my head. Thinking about pull trigger every second but suddenly I heard opening doors, Jeik was home. I stand up and hided gun. Jeik was upset by something and I didn't listen him..I didn't care. Jeik get angry and started to yell on me: " I hate you, I wish it was you, not mom who is dead, you! ,, I hit him with anger and Jeik run into his room and slammed with doors. I looked into a mirror and hate what I see. What have I done, he will never forgive me this, I hate myself for that, I failed my wife, I failed him...he will be better without me.